i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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