Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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