Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
