Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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