I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
time to smoke my breakfast
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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