so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
