im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
