Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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