i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
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Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
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In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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