somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
