every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Let's get the cat blown out
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
