I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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