Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
