I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
