Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
