sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This is the high leading the old right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize