worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
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The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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