so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
