Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?