I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it