Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
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I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
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I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law