theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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