I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
