I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
