the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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