I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
