Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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