Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
