First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
