I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
