he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
