worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
