You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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