finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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