There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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