man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
