Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
