In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
