Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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