Your face is a jimmy john
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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