How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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