If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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