I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
