how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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