I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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