I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
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