Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
