I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
