Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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