You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
