I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
