she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
