Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
