I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
