ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
