Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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