i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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