I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
