fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.