I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.