You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
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It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
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I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.