God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.