god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
