seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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