Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
