I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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