She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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