Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
